Season 1 Big Balls Awards


Welcome to the first annual Big Balls Awards or Ballsies.  Since it is that time of year, we here at Parting Blow have decided to give out our own awards to the season 1 models.  Here is how it works.

All models will be split int category by position. Captains will be in there own category, not their position category.  Each category will then be awarded the following awards:

BALLER AWARD- The player with the best overall ball skills

BALL BUSTER AWARD- The player that is the biggest beater

SLICK BALLS AWARD- The player that is hardest to take out

CHEESY BALLS AWARD- The player that gives you the stink face, the most tilting

BALL HOG AWARD- The player that want to use the most resources on a regular basis

BALL COZY AWARD- The team player who gives more than they take on a regular basis

DEFLATED BALL AWARD- The player that just doesn’t quite make the cut yet


These guys are the backbone of your team that can do a good deal of the heavy lifting and break your back if you try to lift them.  The candidates are Avarisse, Brick, Casket, Fangtooth, Ghast, Kraken, And Stave

BALLER AWARD- None of these guys are particularly great the ball.  Due to being the only one with 2/6″ instead of 1/6″ Kick, the award goes to Casket

BALL BUSTER AWARD- All of these guys are bruisers. The ability to self buff gives this one to Fangtooth

SLICK BALLS AWARD- There are lots of arguments to be made here.  Most boxes, Gluttonous Mass and Foul Odour once again gives the edge to Fangtooth

CHEESY BALLS AWARD- There is nothing more irritating than realizing everyone on your team is 1 INF short of doing what needs to be done.  Ghast

BALL HOG AWARD- This guy requires at least 2 INF every turn. Stave

BALL COZY AWARD- By good positioning alone this guy protects your team. Brick

DEFLATED BALL AWARD- While his star is rising, it is mostly due to his other half. Avarisse


These are the guys that help protect your balls.  Candidates include Hemlocke, Jac, Mallet, Ratchet, Spigot, Stoker, and Tower.

BALLER AWARD- This one has mad ball skills whether kicking or retrieving it.  Spigot

BALL BUSTER AWARD- No one likes to take a charge from Mallet

SLICK BALLS AWARD- Tough call, but with the Knockback allowing a 2″ push on one hit with counter attack, the edge goes to Tower

CHEESY BALLS AWARD- Blind is all that needs to be said.  Hemlocke

BALL HOG AWARD- Because it is very easy to put 3 on her every turn. Hemlocke

BALL COZY AWARD- For zero INF, he can still help the whole team quite a bit.  Spigot

DEFLATED BALL AWARD- Here is hoping Ester changes your luck. Stoker


A small group with the exclusion of Captains, Calculus, Colossus, Gutter, Mercury, and Silence.

BALLER AWARD- Although Silence can have a better kick rating, overall Colossus does more with the ball

BALL BUSTER AWARD- This is the only person in this group that does not have 3 gamage in her playbook, yet she manages to get work done.  Gutter

SLICK BALLS AWARD- Highest DEF and generally in the rear.   Silence

CHEESY BALLS AWARD- Another tough call, but Blind wins.  Calculus

BALL HOG AWARD- Although there is a lot of desire to load all these up, Mercury really does nothing for less than 2 INF.

BALL COZY AWARD- Again, they all like INF, but only one brings 3 to the table.  Silence

DEFLATED BALL AWARD- He doesn’t fail to underwhelm. Mercury


These guys take the fight to you.  Boar, Hooper, Katalyst, Meathook, and Rage.

BALLER AWARD- What ball?  Meathook wins by Kick stat alone.

BALL BUSTER AWARD- Even if someone else deserved it, I wouldn’t say so in front of him. Boar

SLICK BALLS AWARD- Seriously, you try to take him out.  Hooper

CHEESY BALLS AWARD- Tough call.  It could go to Meathook, but you just don’t see her as much.  Hooper is just that irritating.

BALL HOG AWARD- Another toss up between her and Hooper.  Since Meathook generates less, she wins this one.

BALL COZY AWARD- Rage. He’s efficient.

DEFLATED BALL AWARD- Even with what we see in Season 2 so far, he still doesn’t do enough to make him worth while.  Katalyst.


This may be the biggest group. Boiler, Cosset, Decimate, Graves, Greyscales, Harmony, Minx, Salvo, Shank, Siren, Snakeskin.

BALLER AWARD- Toss up between Shank and Greyscales.  Momentous Tackle and slightly longer threat range gives it to Shank

BALL BUSTER AWARD- Boiler just beats out Cosset due to other team buffs available.

SLICK BALLS AWARD- Potential DEF 6 and Clone. Snakeskin

CHEESY BALLS AWARD- Two activations in a row.  It may be a trap, but it can also ruin your day. Harmony

BALL HOG AWARD- Decimate was a close second.  Salvo.

BALL COZY AWARD- There is not a clear winner here, but Cosset has the most game on no INF.

DEFLATED BALL AWARD- Only because she is seen the least. Minx


The stars of the team, even if they are not named Flint.  Angel, Brisket, Flint, Friday, Greede, Mist, Velocity, Vitriol

BALLER AWARD- If you have to ask, shame on you.  Flint

BALL BUSTER AWARD- She has anger issues. Vitriol

SLICK BALLS AWARD- As much as you would like to touch her, you can’t.  Brisket

CHEESY BALLS AWARD- Rage much? Flint will make you.

BALL HOG AWARD- All of these guys want to be fully loaded.  Mist almost requires it post nerf.

BALL COZY AWARD- A good beer is all she needs. Friday

DEFLATED BALL AWARD- Since Greede generally plays Goalie more than Striker


Everyone’s lovable little buddies. Coin, Dirge, Flask, Mainspring, Marbles, Princess, Salt, Scum.

BALLER AWARD- Super Shot gives him a chance. Mainspring

BALL BUSTER AWARD- Allowed to have 1 more INF puts Scum over Princess

SLICK BALLS AWARD- 2 ARM is for real.  Flask

CHEESY BALLS AWARD- Get that damn thing away from me! Dirge

BALL HOG AWARD- Because he actually has useful Character Plays. Marbles

BALL COZY AWARD- He just keeps on giving.  Coin

DEFLATED BALL AWARD- He’s cute at least.  Salt


Our final category for our biggest stars. Ballista, Blackheart, Honour, Midas, Obulus, Ox, Shark, and Tapper.

BALLER AWARD- No doubt. Shark

BALL BUSTER AWARD- While others may contest this, Tapper puts out the most damage on a regular basis.

SLICK BALLS AWARD- With Clone and Unpredictable Movement, no one can really hit Midas.

CHEESY BALLS AWARD- Obulus.  Any other argument is invalid.

BALL HOG AWARD- Obulus. Do Morticians even have other players?

BALL COZY AWARD- Ox. He doesn’t put the hurt on as much as others on his team do.  He likes to sit back and watch them work.

DEFLATED BALL AWARD- When they win something, we will accept arguments otherwise.  Ballista


6 thoughts on “Season 1 Big Balls Awards

    1. wazatdingder Post author

      Tapper and Blackheart are about equal. Due to the fact that he can have I more influence, Tapper wins. Ox really doesn’t put out a ton of damage on his own outside of LP turn. Does Obulus even cause damage?


      1. Bill

        I also forgot to mention Honour in there….

        So let’s look at the math. I’ll only include the team mascots in the list since that’s all we can count on in Season 1. Also assuming the attack is against the “average” Df 4 arm 1.

        Tapper + Scum: 7 influence with Old Jakes, TAC6+1 gang up+1 commanding aura. After the first attack add +1 bonus time. Only reliable way to get CA up is spending 2 influence. Knockdown on first attack then 4 attacks at an average 5 successes is 20 damage.
        Reliable damage output in a round: 20

        Blackheart + Coin: 6 influence, TAC6+1 gang up+1 commanding aura. Only reliable way to get CA up is spending 2 influence. No reliable momentum generation on attacks so no bonus time. Average 3 successes on 4 attacks is 12 damage total.
        Reliable damage output in a round: 12

        Ox + Princess: 5 influence, TAC 7+1 gang up. Remove armor on first attack, bonus time on third attack. 4 attacks doing 3 points of damage. Total non-legendary 9 points of damage.
        Reliable damage output w/o legendary: 12

        Ox + Princess + Legendary: 5 influence, TAC 7+1 gang up. Armor removed due to legendary. 5 attacks doing 4 points each, 20 damage total.
        Reliable damage output w/o legendary: 20

        Obulous + Dirge: 8 influence, TAC 6+1 gang up. 8 attacks at a 2 average damage is a total of 16 damage.
        Reliable damage output: 16

        Honour + Marbles: 6 influence, TAC 6+1 gang up+1 Marbles Assist. Bonus time every other attack (2,4,6) for 4 successes. Odd attacks (1, 3, 5) deal 3 damage each, Even attacks (2, 4, 6) deal 4 damage each, total of 21 points of damage.
        Reliable damage output: 21

        So to be fair, we we’re both incorrect. Honour is actually the Ball Buster of captains. Keep in mind that each of those could also pick up tooled up, Honour from Marbles, Ox from Rage or Meathook, Tapper from Rage or Spigot, Blackheart from Rage, and Obulous from Rage. With tooled up the totals go to:
        Tapper: 24
        Blackheart: 16
        Ox w/o: 16
        Ox with: 25
        Obulous: 24
        Honour: 27


      2. wazatdingder Post author

        Ugh… Too many numbers…Do you think this is OzBall? :p

        In coming up with winners I tried to think in averages not extremes. I am sure you could go through my lists and find all sorts of examples where one model does it better than the other.

        Ox, as you have shown, is nothing without his LP. If Obulus is going for damage, things have gone horribly wrong. Honour is a contender to dethrone him, but she also likes to do a lot of things other than damage. For the most part, that is ALL Tapper does. He activates early, kicks butt, generates momentum, and lets the rest of the team bask in his glory.

        If he is not beating face, he is generally sitting out and maybe using his HP to buff others.

        Additionally, if I felt people were tied due to buffs I tend to go with who can activate quicker.


      3. Bill

        I think it really comes down to our experiences being different. Overall I’ve been underwhelmed by Tapper, feeling he is a poor mans Blackheart. Then again, my own experience with BH has been he does way more damage than shown above.

        On the Honour front, I just have not played masons recently enough so I forgot about her initially. I need to get back to that team. Honour is so often a beater when I play that team, since I typically have the scoring aspect well covered with Flint… well Flint… and occasionally Mist and Decimate.

        As for Obulous, I watched a couple new Morticians players beating face with him at the Snow Ball tournament recently. It’s what brought him to mind for me.

        Being fair, your pick for beater is in a solid 2nd place so that’s nothing to sneeze at. Especially considering people don’t really expect Honour to just wreck people.


  1. wazatdingder Post author

    I feel confident that is you were to look at damage per game and average of games over time, Tapper and Blackheart would take the lead. I feel Tapper gets the edge just a little. But I am not a math guy, I play from my gut and that is how I rank. I appreciate the debate though. Thank you for commenting.

    You win the “Busting my Balls” award for being the first to comment on my blog. 🙂



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